just because you say your done doesnt mean you really are..

im actually crying right now. sobbing. like a wimp. this goes against my whole policy of trying not to show emotion. I FUCKING HATE HIM SO MUCH!! i cant stand to see him ever again. i dont want him anymore, i swear. dear god just get him out of mind. make me stop caring, please?! please. i dont want this anymore. i knew he never wanted me, but now, knowing that he is in love with someone else...its to much to bear. i need to cut again. i dont want to see him again, hear his voice again. i swear to god, next time i see him, i WILL kick the shit out of that boy. i fucking hate him.

NEW LIFE!

today was...good. i got over some serious stuff today. i havnt cut in almost a week. and today i thought about D. i wanted to get him to come over tonight. yeah, i figured that if i had sex with him again i wouldnt feel so bad. but..i didnt. something in me wouldnt let my finger press the talk button on the phone or the send button on the facebook page. my mind stopped my body, because i realized, just when i was starting to feel really bad, that i would just regret it in the end. and what does regret do for me? nothing. it makes me sad, it makes me eat more.

holy god, i have been craving eggs and milk. and ive been eating them. fried egg whites (fried as in cooked in a small nonstick pan with ((real..)) butter. it tastes good, and i am losing weight. true, i purge some afterwards, but ive been able to drop 3 pounds in a day. milk is so good. it makes me feel better too. my bones are so thin. thats why i'm afriad of getting to thin. but no, i will be 90 pounds again in my life. i will. i can taste it. all it takes is determination right?

ITS EXAM WEEK. AHHHHH!!! i hate exams. i take them when im stoned. works so much better.
so.. review..

• i realized that D isnt ever comming back and that its time to get over it. i feel like a giant weight is off me
• i remembered that its only a year until i see my brother again. the one that was taken to rehab.
• i have more positive things about me than people know. i can cook, i am fun, flirty, bubbly, coy. my only serious issue is that i am ugly and that im fat. when im thin i'll be so pretty. i just hope i get taller.
• i decided to start trying harder in school. its time to kick it up a bit.

i didnt go to school today, but i still learned so much. ive been so inspired by your blogs and ana sites.  speaking of ana sites, im making a new diet plan. (protein+calcium-stress/sweat+refreshing attitude)effort= happiness. i wish it were that easy.

i decided i dont want to have sex again until im at least 15. thats only two years away, and while i may not be able to accomplish that, its a goal. having sex was the biggest mistake of my life. i dont plan to feel like this ever again. not if i can help it

my inspiration

i have had a recent gust of inspiration. fly-sky.blogspot.com is one of my biggest inspirations ever. she helped me in a dark place, and in my mood now. that blog is simple, but amazing.

then her poems..outstanding.

my poetry is all depressing. i need to write some better stuff.

when you fall, get the hell up. life is difficult. stop crying and grow up. its time to start playing the game and not just stand on the sidelines.

It's time for me to start getting my shit together. its time for me to get over all this dumb shit. Cutting isnt helping. cutting makes it worse. My wrist is healing. He is never comming back.
Today i learned that life isnt going to just magically get better. i need to just live my life out, and try to be happy. when that little player decides to roll back in, i wont give him attention. in fact, i'll just ignore his advances.

For 13, my heart has been smashed by the worst thing ever. a hookup. just a random hookup. nothing special at all. in fact, i didnt like him all that much. now, yeah he's hot, but come on. that wont get him anywhere after he epicly fails at the remainder of this school year.

For 13, i have a lot of issues. but i will deal with them when the time comes. now, i am getting my heart outta my head. Boys can wait a few years. now, i'm not going to say that i dont like em. im southern, damn. southern girls like men, but i need to chill the fuck out.

i think i found a way

to lose weight faster. i snort ritalin. it makes me so hyper, and i think i am actually overdosing right now, but i lose two pounds, and thats fully clothed and with wet hair.

the story is: i was at a friends, partying it up all night (i played hookie today because i am so fucking hungover) and after we got drunk she asked if i wanted some more xanax, i said "hell fuckin yeah." but to my disapointment, she told me she may get some tomorrow. well...i asked her if she had anything different. because xaney bars make me sad and sleepy. she said "yeah, i got some uppers." so i take three, crush two up, and put the third in my pocket. then we stayed up all night watching M*A*S*H. when i finally rolled in at 7:16 this morning (my mom said i could stay home. damn i love that woman) and i remembered i had the third pill. i wanted to be safe and look up the side effects, and the signs of overdose, and i have a lot of the side effects right now like loss of appitiete!! i weigh 118.8. and im going to snort the other one soon enough and clean the fucking house, so i dont get in any trouble. hey, im not saying drugs are good to turn to (we all know i have shitty ideas) but hey, it is workin pretty well for me. its because ritalin is a form of speed. and speed makes you really really really hyper. and when your hyper you burn more calories. now, Ritalin is PRESCRIBED for ADD and ADHD, but when abused it is a serious upper. its like, one of the best drugs ive ever taken. i fucking love it. its like candy to me. but im not snorting the third until at least 11:00.

me

btw...the ear gauges are fake..im not allowed to stretch my ears

[IMAGINE HAS BEEN TAKEN DOWN...SORRY. I GOT PARANIOD]

yes, this is me.. hideous picture. hideous person...

so my friend A stayed over last night, which is cool, you  know . seeing as how i don't ever invite people over. we smoked a bunch of weed, got completly torched with C and c (big brother and brother whom i do not particularly care for). me and A called them assHat's (a new word..) and watched "Shawn of the dead". which is a really good movie.

The new cut on my wrist is inflamed. and slightly painful to touch.

I learned something yesterday.. the girl D was with is his Baby Mamma. And you see why i worried about having sex with him? *WARNING, THE NEXT SENTENCE IS SLIGHTLY GRAPHIC* when we were, i forgot to ask him to wear a condom, so my first worry was that id catch something from this man whore, right? then when he asked if he could *GRAPHIC GRAPHIC GRAPHIC* cum in me, i laughed and asked him if he was lookin to have another kid at 15. i knew he had gotten a girl pregnant, i just didnt know who she was. maybe he does want to come back, even though i know they wernt just doing homework when he was with her, i am ok with that. i swear, because of him, my emotions and hormones are at an all time high.

i ate a lot last night, but it was all HEALTHY food. i had two greatfruits, an orange, and a few pieces of celery, while everyone else had fried chicken. good for me.

 "my soul is gone

my heart is broken

so my blood drips

life is too hard

i can't keep going

so my blood drips

the pain is too much

i need to let it out

so my blood drips

it's the one thing in my life i can control

the pain is of my own creation, no longer is it theirs

so my blood drips

my wrist, my legs, my hands

i have not yet hit a vein

but when i do..

my blood will flow"

i wrote that this morning, while i was in my daily count. counting them makes me want to add another though.

A chicken sandwich, a cupcake, and a carton of milk..

1 cherry pastry (from school..not too unhealthy)- 200?
1 cartoon of fat free skim milk- 60
1 chicken sandwich- 200
and a chocolate cupcake with peanuts- 300
so...760 cals.. i need to burn some off, but i am not sure how to. i just want to cut again... thats way to many calories!!

so... i feel like messaging D on facebook, and telling him to get his ass over here. im tired of not talking to him and i feel like we left it off at a bad place. maybe not for him, seeing as how he brought some chick TO MY HOUSE the VERY NEXT DAY after we..you know..

ten minutes later..

1 more cut on my left wrist...i'm up to 8 there...one was a year ago...you can still see the scar.



<<<the big pink mark is a burn.









i am not putting a picture of my face on here..not yet. i'm not pretty...unlike a lot of you girls. i know most of you will turn into the beautiful models we all so adore...
The top red mark (the straight one, not the diagonal) is the one i am still trying to get to go deeper. it hurts to touch it, so i put water on it, stopping it from clotting, and am keeping it clean. oh god the rush is amazing..
i can't ever stop..the endorphine rush you get when you cut is one of the best things you can ever feel..it actually keeps it from hurting to bad. it makes me feel lightheaded and...happy. coupled with music and drugs...its gona be an intresting night. my friend is going to be staying, so i am going to hide my razor..
my razors pretty pathetic. i took apart a disposable razor and got the biggest blade from it. it dulls quickly. it doesnt cut deep eaither, but oh god, its just sharp enough to help me feel BETTER.