so today, i had another panic attack. i had to go home early, so i just played Fable Three all day. then i went to dinner with my mom, brother, and my mom's friend. i had a salad..and a big 'ol plate of PASTA. ugg. im never going to be thin.
no D today. of course. i swear he is trying to stop my heart into a billion pieces. hes doing a good job too. i think i may just want to kill him...it hurts. i want him...not sexually, definatly not like that just yet...not till this saturday. ive been umm.. menstruating, since Sunday, but since my periods are shorter from my eating habits, it shouldnt be too bad..
my school counselour saw my wrist. he was asking to feel my pulse, and even though i was damn near about to stab some motherfuckers ("Fight or Flight" response was kickin in) i put that arm further into my jacket and handed him my other arm. Is it so obvious that i cut? that i free myself? IS IT SO WRONG THAT I EXPRESS PAIN AND SUFFERING? WHAT IS WRONG WITH TELLING THE WORLD I'M DONE?!! its not like im TRYING to kill myself. if i were, i know i could have done it. what people dont get is, if you want to kill yourself, its "Down the road" not "across the street".. for example..
DOWN THE ROAD
i wish i could do this... my razor isnt big enough
this is what i do..but this isnt my arm.
see? you learn something new everyday.
So i'm listening to Paramore..something different for me. i put my ipod on random while writing that paragraph about missing D...the song that was playing was "the only exception". Dear god, i know you hate me, but do you have to do it so obviously?
now D's friends are here...but no D. i can garuntee it..i miss him so bad!!
i cut becus of the misery of hving no one
ReplyDeletei know how you feel, i have felt like this for years now. and i have found, that in my spesific situation because of everything i have been through i am so scared of getting hurt that i cant let people in or trust them in any way but what kind of life is this being so alone without letting people in i decided to start letting people in and yes i got hurt again and again but ive relized that it was so worth it yes i got hurt but i also got a chance to feel and its a good feeling to care about someone
Deletewhen i finally get it over.....and when i know my son .daughter in law,and 3 grandchildren are cool,i'll stick a pistol in my mouth and pull the trigger....no more worries..I'm so damn tired of this life.....It will happen soon....
ReplyDeleteIt's not the fact I'm a lowlife or wanting...My wife died after 31 years and if it was anything other I could handle it..My job is good,I'm ok,but my mind can't catch up....It's like my reason for life is no more.....Fuck it all
ReplyDeleteI havent intend to kill or hurt myself, but ive been seriusly thinking of doing it now, im sick and tired of everyone and everything,i hate myself and everything around me,im inlove with someone,i wish i had never met,and i let go the one person that i always looked for, fuck life and everything in it, God forgive me for not apriciating life,but what is there to apriciate about it,you struggle more than you enjoy and 99.9% of life is full of misery,so what the fuck is the point of fucking being born!
ReplyDeleteFake and gay
ReplyDeleteI wish I wouldn't have to express my feelings in pain, I would do it in words instead. We all just need someone to understand.
ReplyDeleteDo your selves a favor and watch naruto... found a reasons to live :)
ReplyDelete