Tuesday, January 18, 2011

NEW LIFE!

today was...good. i got over some serious stuff today. i havnt cut in almost a week. and today i thought about D. i wanted to get him to come over tonight. yeah, i figured that if i had sex with him again i wouldnt feel so bad. but..i didnt. something in me wouldnt let my finger press the talk button on the phone or the send button on the facebook page. my mind stopped my body, because i realized, just when i was starting to feel really bad, that i would just regret it in the end. and what does regret do for me? nothing. it makes me sad, it makes me eat more.

holy god, i have been craving eggs and milk. and ive been eating them. fried egg whites (fried as in cooked in a small nonstick pan with ((real..)) butter. it tastes good, and i am losing weight. true, i purge some afterwards, but ive been able to drop 3 pounds in a day. milk is so good. it makes me feel better too. my bones are so thin. thats why i'm afriad of getting to thin. but no, i will be 90 pounds again in my life. i will. i can taste it. all it takes is determination right?

ITS EXAM WEEK. AHHHHH!!! i hate exams. i take them when im stoned. works so much better.
so.. review..
  • i realized that D isnt ever comming back and that its time to get over it. i feel like a giant weight is off me
  • i remembered that its only a year until i see my brother again. the one that was taken to rehab.
  • i have more positive things about me than people know. i can cook, i am fun, flirty, bubbly, coy. my only serious issue is that i am ugly and that im fat. when im thin i'll be so pretty. i just hope i get taller.
  • i decided to start trying harder in school. its time to kick it up a bit.
i didnt go to school today, but i still learned so much. ive been so inspired by your blogs and ana sites.  speaking of ana sites, im making a new diet plan. (protein+calcium-stress/sweat+refreshing attitude)effort= happiness. i wish it were that easy.

i decided i dont want to have sex again until im at least 15. thats only two years away, and while i may not be able to accomplish that, its a goal. having sex was the biggest mistake of my life. i dont plan to feel like this ever again. not if i can help it
Posted by at

1 comment:

  1. BlueMay 21, 2012 at 6:33 PM

    You probably won't see this since the post is from January, but I comment anyways.
    lkjbdrpewa
    "Fat"? "Ugly"? COME ON!
    I found your blog today, and, well, I think you're beautiful. Just plain beautiful. Remember that. You may not know me personally, but I think you are a wonderful person. In fact, what you said: "i can cook, i am fun, flirty, bubbly, coy." is no doubt the truth. But 90 pounds again? I'm thirteen and I'm 90 pounds. I wouldn't worry about it so much.
    I'll tell you what: Find someone. Anyone. Someone to hold onto in the worst of times and someone to love in the best. It doesn't matter who. I was depressed once. Of course I told people. But I found Jarod and Liz (boyfriend and best friend respectively). They helped me through finding my purpose in life. Find your someone.

    ReplyDelete

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)